Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Let me just get right to the point because there is some recent political drama surrounding me that has unapologetically been taken out of context by the media who could have done a better job at corroborating their story. My “grandma” that they talked to was not my actual grandma. My real grandma is still willingly and comfortably living in her home country, Pakistan. The lady whom they talked to, used to be my housekeeper that I had to fire because I caught her stealing. She made up the lie that I listen to the song, Gucci Gang “fifty times a day” because I had earlier on, fired her from her job.

Many of you may not know but “Lil Pump,” is actually a fellow colleague of mine from Harvard Medical School. Many of you also do not know that Dr. Pump made the song “Gucci Gang” as a therapy for those affected by guccititis, a disease discovered by Dr. Pump where patients have to listen to obscene song lyrics glorifying the brand Gucci, in order to calm themselves and function normally in their daily lives. I had invited Dr Pump to one of my internal policy development sessions to discuss with him the growing epidemic of guccititis where I exclaimed my desire to help those affected by guccitits and considering changing the national anthem to Gucci Gang. Because ladies and gentlemen, if one is affected with guccititis and he/she does not listen to Dr Pump’s therapeutic song, Gucci Gang, their disease would become deadly. I spoke instinctively offering my help to Dr Pump and the millions of Americans affected by this disease, to make sure no American lives are lost because I represent all Americans and  it is my duty to do everything in my power to ensure their safety. However, Dr Pump reassured me that he has already promoted this song under the guise of the lyrics being taken for their literal meaning and not as a therapeutic song for those affected with guccititis because even though it is an extremely widespread disease, many people do not know they have the disease. Thus, Dr Pump has made the song so popular that many Americans at least hear it once a day in some way shape or form, whether it be ads, friends saying the lyrics, or someone buying a rolex and saying “80 on ma wrist.” Dr. Pump’s plan was working perfectly but the media irresponsibly tried to expose me for this misunderstanding and have ended up instilling mass hysteria into the lives of many Americans as now they are learning of the existence of guccititis and do not know whether they are affected or not.   

One benefit to all of this is that even those people not affected by guccititis are playing the song repeatedly and making it a part of their daily routine because they do not know whther they have guccititis or not as it is not diagnosable until one doesn’t listen to it for a day but by then it’s too late. So this increase in number of times gucci gang is played has earned Dr. Pump a lot of money which I made him use to work towards better identifying guccititis and possible solutions to curing it. Thus, I think now knowing the context it is understandable that I would instinctively offer to do something that could help save lives of millions of Americans but thankfully to Dr Pump, I do not have to promote the song anymore. In fact this scandal has now promoted it more than ever before and the future of American lives is now safe and Gucci. Thankyou Ladies and Gentlemen and remember the the future is now.